S2 phoned today. I felt honoured (whoops, my reluctant respect for her status is showing). She asked (among other things) if I had considered counselling from CancerCare. I said that I was aware of the option and would bear it in mind, but that I felt I had a lot of good support. I have had mostly good experiences of counselling/spiritual direction at times in the past, so I’m not at all averse to it in principle, nor to the suggestion that I might need it. But I fear there are some counsellors who might fall foul of my overactive bullshit detector —
Of course now I’m wondering if S2’s question was a standard one, or whether she actually does think I am more screwed up than most.
I also had a phone conversation with my bc nurse. I suppose it is her job to be reassuring about hormone treatment. And she did quite well. So why have I taken a tentative decision to go for the treatment?
– because of what Prof Michael Baum says about the risks of surgery (possibly upsets delicate equilibrium thereby facilitating growth of dormant cancers). If this is true, I probably need to get those high oestrogen levels down.
– because I can always stop if it is too bad.
– because it might not be too bad. It sounds as if the Zoladex is worse than the Arimidex (I am almost inevitably in for a load of hot flushes I think), but the bc nurse said that weight gain – or at least huge weight gain – is not as common as on Tamoxifen. So here’s hoping. I am concerned about the risks to bone density, but would be monitored carefully for that. Of course, the big recommendation here is exercise. What a pity I hate exercise. Got to try to do it. Have ordered a pedometer as a motivation tool.
– because I don’t want to be left alone with all this. This is odd (and a bad reason for going for it). I have a real push-me-pull-you attitude towards the medics. I wish they had never bothered me, but now I’m here —
Oh dear, I think I’m in danger of getting boring. I feel boring, sitting at home with not much get up and go, and everyone else whizzing back to their important September lives. As is my habit, I make a small list of small things to do for each day, but I’m not getting through them. S2 says I should expect to feel tired for a while yet, and the hormone therapy is likely also to take energy out of me, so I should probably give myself some breaks. However, I think I feel better if I can say I have used at least some of my time well (must be the protestant work ethic). So, everybody, I am going to be accountable to the Blog. Here’s a list of things I will try to do tomorrow:
3 sets of physio exercises (I have been pretty good about these, but they are boring).
Pelvic floor exercises (because menopausal symptoms coming soon with a bang)
Piano practice (always good for me in many ways when I get down to it)
Get letters sorted for research project, including MGS
Go for a walk (say, 20 minutes)
Do one lot of laundry
If not wet, do some light gardening, e.g. a bit more cutting back
Cook tea (with back-up team in necessary).
Read my book (Rose Tremain’s “Merivel”) for a sustained period of time.
I’ll let you know how I go. I won’t be rewarding myself with chocolate, so “likes” for a completed list appreciated!